either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize