Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
