and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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