That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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