I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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