eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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