She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
where are you?
Hypothermia
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
