i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
