In the future we'll all be gay
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
