Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
