I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize