Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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