so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
