omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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