yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
