im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
