just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
