I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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