My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
