I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
