No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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