I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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