those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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