This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
