eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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