So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
