Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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