I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
