Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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