dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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