I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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