he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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