I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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