I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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