Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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