I showed him my bush... on skype.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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