i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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