nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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