Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
