Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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