You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
