I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
