My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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