I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So many bounce houses so little time
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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