I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
