my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
