Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
