Me too!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
