My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
