saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
