I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
