rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
