All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
