I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
