I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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