Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
