Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
