After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
