I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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