haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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